Why Self-Care Isn’t Working for You (And What Will)

Apr 1

Let’s talk about something that’s a little hard to say:

Self-care has become another performance.

We’ve been sold the idea that getting a manicure, booking a massage, or taking a vacation is the gold standard of self-care. And while those things can be nourishing when done from true desire, they’re often used as Band-Aids for something much deeper: a nervous system in constant overdrive, buried resentment, emotional exhaustion, and a life you’re trying to get a break or even escape from because you’ve spent all your time tending to everyone but yourself.

My perhaps unpopular opinion as a coach who’s spent years working with high-achieving women:

The sexiest forms of self-care are often the least impactful, because they’re the least transformative and they’re the most performative — they say: “See, I’ve made time to take care of me”

A spa day won’t fix your burnout. A vacation won’t heal your resentment. A pedicure won’t rebuild your self-trust.

And yet, we cling to these surface-level experiences because they’re easy. Because they feed into our programmed ways of being and seeing ourselves—the stories we’ve been sold that sound like “If we look good, we’ll feel good" or “if we bust our ass and work hard than we deserve time to relax and take a vacation”. And finally, because they feel easier to say yes to than the deeper work that truly changes us.

But let’s be honest: how often do you come back from the spa or vacation and still feel overwhelmed within a day or two? Or even more so because now you’ve come back feeling like you’re behind the 8 ball — but hey, at least you got a few days of peace.

That’s because the real issue isn’t just your to-do list — it’s your operating system.

The Truth: You Need the unsexy Self-Care

Real self-care isn’t always pretty. It’s not Instagrammable. It doesn’t come with a scented candle.

Real self-care looks like:

Saying no when you’ve always said yes
Sitting with discomfort instead of numbing it away
Asking for help even when—no, especially when— you’re used to doing it all yourself.
Nurturing your nervous system
Naming your needs out loud, unapologetically

These aren’t luxuries. They’re requirements for your well-being. Nervous system self-care is about learning how to regulate your internal world so that you’re not constantly overwhelmed by your external one. It’s about cultivating safety, presence, and connection in your own body. And that’s where the real healing starts.

Why You Might Be Stuck in the Self-Care Cycle

Over the years, I’ve watched too many incredible women fall into the same pattern:

They’ll invest in small, comfortable ways they can justify. A haircut. A facial. A massage. Or they don’t even do it for themselves but they don’t think twice about doing it for others—-investing in their care, investing in their happiness, investing in them. But when it comes to investing in themselves—especially in a truly transformative way, it feels selfish.

Enter: Guilt. Shame. Hesitation.

And often the excuse is that you don’t have time or resources. But if you were honest with yourself, you’d admit that resources come from the decision that something is important enough to prioritise it and get resourceful enough to make it happen—it’s why you’re resourceful as hell at work and at home because those people are counting on you. So the truth is, the excuses keep you safe. The truth is so many women don’t feel worthy of the time, the care, the support—they forget that they matter too. They forget that there is a version of her who is counting on her too.

So What Will Work?

Nervous system regulation. Radical self-love and reconnection. Supportive spaces that don’t just cheer you on—they hold you while you do the work to.