A peek behind the curtain…the shower curtain that is
June 16th, 2022
I don’t know about you… But I always do my best thinking in the shower. Something about the moment alone in the running water helps me clear my mind to let through the thoughts. As I stand there naked and alone I often give way to my most honest and vulnerable thoughts. Sometimes, after the shower I pop out and write them down and think I could never share this… People just wouldn’t get it. Today I did something radical (at least radical for me that is)… Instead of my usual nearly scalding hot shower, I turned the water all the way to cold.
I wanted to see if I could sit with the discomfort of the cold water, knowing at any moment I could change it. I have to be honest, I didn’t last long. 😅 I challenged myself to 1min, as soon as the water hit I noticed my body immediately tense up. I noticed the resistance the “ugh, I hate the cold…why am I doing this? This proves nothing.” I noticed all the ways I tried to justify not sticking it out for the minute and then I consciously chose to accept it. I gave myself task, “I’ll wash my hair. It’s not that bad, I can push through. Just accept that you’ll be cold for a minute.” And I did.
For me it was an interesting experiment and metaphor for how I could sit with discomfort in my life, and if I would cover my body and close myself off to it or if I could just open up and just allow it. I am someone who prides herself on being open, I’ve always joked I’m like an open book, but the truth is that I’m much more closed then I would have you believe… than I’d like to admit to myself. I think we all are.
There are moments in life that tear us down, that break us open, that hurt us, that leave us scarred… And we may not have even realized that every time we experienced that we closed off our hearts a little bit more. You passed a judgement, you sprouted a belief, you coloured a picture, you solidified a generalization, we made an assumption, and you unconsciously chose to close, to stay guarded, to protect your yourself, your heart, to keep you safe. There have been many times I’ve played small, because being vulnerable creates fear. Even now. But I continue to push my ability to sit with discomfort and trust that I’ll be okay.
As an enneagram 3, the lens through which people see me has been driver that has directed many of my decisions. Since honesty is a value of mine, I would never lie, but there are days that I avoid showing up because I can avoid being seen in a way I don’t like and because I unconsciously can’t sit with the discomfort of being seen at my lows. I avoid sharing my mistakes as I’m walking through them for fear you would think less of me as a coach—I avoid the discomfort and I close my heart.
It’s natural to want to avoid pain and suffering. We try to avoid it in ourselves and in our lives, and we try to avoid the discomfort of seeing out there in the world. Especially during times of The pandemic, the continuous wars and mass shootings.. in the world there is so much suffering…The second or nervous system is triggered, we automatically move to close. In order to maintain our sense of safety. It’s natural… And it’s OK, there is no shame in it.
But I think part of the practice that I’ve been working so hard on is how to stay open even when i feel unsafe and exposed. I think it’s important to fully feel the depth of our emotions and to sit in that discomfort, with that discomfort, to accept what is here without always trying to fix or change it, maybe realizing that by trying to keep our hearts, and our minds open, by trying to stay in the vibration of love is compassion is the only ways to move through it.